If you’re a mom, you probably know how important those first few hours, days, weeks, months, (ahem, years) are with your baby. And, when you’re a brand new mom and you have this tiny human who relies on you for food, comfort, and warmth when someone tries to come in between that, it’s definitely not a good look for them.
Reddit was asked by a mom if she was wrong for asking her mother-in law (MIL) to give her baby to her for feeding. There were many comments. And when you learn the details, it’s obvious that this woman has more to worry about than being “nice” to her MIL.
The Backstory
The new mom started the post by stating that she had just had her baby. Five weeks ago and her husband’s parents have been staying with them. Off the bat, I’m already overwhelmed for her and she said the same. It is true that having your family around can be helpful when you have a newborn. If tensions are high, like they can with a newborn’s first year, having additional family members nearby can make things more stressful.
The new mom stated in the post that her MIL regularly takes the baby and won’t give him back, even when he’s hungry and crying. She wrote, “MIL has a habit of taking the baby and refusing to give him back to me. She’d say I’m deliberately ruining her time with him. My son needs to be fed every 2 hours and she makes me beg for him to come with me. [can]Feed [him].”
Already, I’m over this MIL who is apparently more worried about her own happiness than her new grandson’s or daughter-in-law’s (DIL) wellbeing, but I digress. Note, if you’re a guest in a new mom’s house you should be helpful. Assist the mom with cleaning, cooking, or supporting her. Assist the mother with any questions. DefinitelyGive the baby back if asked.
It All Comes to a Head
Around 10 p.m. one night, everything came to an abrupt halt. The baby started crying while the grandmother held him. The grandmother was holding the baby when he started crying. It went back and forth several times (asking and declining) until the husband finally spoke up.
He said that the new mom is being a “whiny little girl” who used feeding as an excuse to keep the baby away from his grandmother. The new mom was rightfully furious at this point. The husband then told her that she needed to ask his mom “nicely” for the baby. The new mom stated, “This had me seething. I meant to say [her] to stop being annoying and overbearing and hand him over to me.” The grandmother only then handed over the baby, looking shocked and hurt, then ran to the guest room.
After his son had finished comforting him, motherHe entered the bedroom, and he began to sleep. YellingHis wife. You know, the one who had a child. FiveIt was several weeks ago. He told her that she was disrespectful to his mother, that his mother gives the baby more “love” than she does, and that his mother did nothing wrong. He also told her that the baby isn’t an “object that she owns.” She responded that she’ll go stay with her own parents if his parents stay any longer. And he retorted that “she’s only acting up because she doesn’t want his parents around.”
The Red Flags
So, not only does the MIL not listen to or respect the new mom, but she also plays the victim when she doesn’t get her way. The husband is emotionally abusive, gaslighting, and prioritizes his mother’s wellbeing over his wife and new baby. Although we don’t know all the details, aside from what the poster stated, it seems as though there are also some definite control issues happening.
Refusing a mother’s permission to breastfeed her infant can put the baby at serious risk. It can also lead to multiple complications. These include postpartum depression and breastfeeding issues like engorgement and mastitis. Plus, telling a brand new mother, who is dealing with out-of-whack hormones, adjusting to life with a new baby, and exhaustion, that they don’t “love” the baby as much as someone else is unsettling.
In the comments when someone suggested that the new mom go stay with her parents the poster replied that her husband “wouldn’t allow it.” Not “allowing” someone bodily autonomy is a huge red flag. There are many issues here. We hope that the mother and baby can get to safety quickly. Resources are availableFor anyone who is suffering from emotional or physical abuse.
The final comment sums up everything nicely. “Pack your gear and take [the]Baby to your parents. Rethink your relationship, especially after having had a baby. [a] baby. Protect your mental/physical well-being at all costs[s].”
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