We asked Positive News readers to share their secrets for making relationships last. This is what they had a lot to say about kindness, communication, tantra workshops, and jumping in mosh pits.
The Positive News inbox should shock anyone who thought romance was dead. Since we asked readers to share the secrets of their relationship’s success, we have been flooded with responses. It’s been inspiring to read them all – and read them all we did.
Several key themes emerged, perhaps not surprising. ‘Respect’, ‘trust’ and ‘kindness’ came up a lot. ‘Forgiveness’, too. Many readers agreed that communication should be open and honest, and that partners should have the freedom to grow as individuals.
Many people stressed the importance to keep the fun going. Others had less conventional – but evidently no less effective – recipes for staying together, including having open relationships.
Below are some of our responses. We couldn’t publish them all. We had to cut some to make room for more. We are grateful to everyone who reached out.
The things that hold us together
Code words
“‘Goat!’ This silly word saved our relationship in the early days, while we were still figuring each other out. We agreed to use a code term if one of our relationship was being upset by something the other person had said or done. When ‘goat’ was yelled, we stopped everything and talked it out, explained things from both sides (and making sure to listen and acknowledge the other person’s perspective). It was a great way to break down tension and helped us understand each other better. Six years in, we are happily married with our second child on the way.” – K Edmondson Southsea England
Breaking bread
“Myself and my partner have been together for 15 years, and it may sound simple but we always make sure we have breakfast together. It’s a daily ritual for us. We both exercise at the same time and meet up at 7.30 to have breakfast at the breakfast buffet, with music on and fresh coffee being made. We discuss the meaning of the day’s stoic reading and have a chat about our thoughts. We discuss everything and nothing while we enjoy our brekkie, as well as the sunrise over sea and garden. It’s such a crucial part of the day, and one I cherish and look forward to.” – R Burgess, Penarth, Wales
Respect
“Being fully respectful of each other’s needs. My partner is an introvert with mental issues, while I am an extrovert without any. He knows I can’t always come with him to social and family things, and I know that he needs to go to them. We have time together and time for ourselves.” – K Richardson, Plymouth (England).
“Curious respect for our differences and similarities, and a want for each other to be well and happy is at the core of our relationship.” – A P, Brighton, England
“In our 23-year relationship I bring liberal ideology while my partner brings conservative pragmatism. This might sound volatile, but in reality respect brings circumspect thinking.” – Gee
A recurring theme was keeping the fun going in moshpits. Jay Wennington
Communication
“We talk about everything, especially things that are annoying us. We try to bring things into the open as soon as possible so it doesn’t get bottled up and multiply. Even when it’s uncomfortable, we make a massive effort to articulate how we are feeling and what would be helpful from the other person.” – A Amerigo, Auckland, New Zealand
“Do the work. Therapy is an option. Communicate your needs continuously and ensure they are met. Respect one another. Have fun. Choose a hobby that you both enjoy doing together. It keeps things exciting to see your partner be good at something they love.” – Zee, New Jersey, US
Individuality
“As romantic as it may sound to consider my wife ‘my other half’, or even the piece of the puzzle that completes me, the reality is that we must first be whole individually. We can only love each other unconditionally if we are not able to love ourselves. Only when we are complete as individuals can we begin to truly love and appreciate our partner, along with all of the gifts they bring to this world.” – M Fisher, Nathrop, Colorado, US
“Joy. Joy together and joy apart. We savour the time we spend with each other, whilst also embracing time spent apart.” – Anonymous, Squamish, BC, Canada
“Keeping our own identities and individual interests. Remembering that we are all a team and that there is no need to place blame. Being kind and openly grateful for each other. Do not rely on them for happiness or to fulfill every need. Making eye contact. Don’t take things personally. Joint foot massages on the couch. Holding each other’s personal challenges with tender care. Remembering that relationships can be a learning and growth opportunity. Being adventurous and finding fun.” – M Campbell, Inverness, Scotland
“We have been married for nearly 56 years and are still smashingly in love. We believe mutual support is the key to our long, peaceful (albeit with arguments) years of marriage. It allows us to each be the real person that we are. Along the way, we have had many challenges, including losing our first infant son, but rebounded to raise three successful children.” – T andG, Shoebridge, Ontario Canada
Many of you agreed that it was important to share meals together. Brooke Lark
Listening
“A year ago I wished for a third child, but I knew my partner felt strongly that he did not want any more children. I told him how I felt and he said: ‘Okay, if it’s important to you, let’s talk about it.’ I told my friend about this and she thought it was great to be with someone who doesn’t dismiss things outright and is willing to always talk about it. I had never thought about it too much, but it’s something we’ve done since the beginning of our relationship, 20 years ago now. I’m sure it’s been the secret of our relationship’s success. We have since both decided we’d not like to have any more children of our own, but I’m so pleased I was heard by my partner and we thoughtfully considered it together.” – S, County Durham England
“I proposed to my partner the night we met and after 38 years together, I think it’s a happy, successful relationship. We’ve been through a lot, including the death of a child, and I think the secret of success is always being able to talk and listen to each other, supporting each other and knowing that we were always in it for the long-term.” – S Harpum, London. England
Commitment
“The number one philosophy we live by is that love is a choice, not a feeling. It’s a verb, not starry eyes and fireworks. There can be those, too, but in the dark, hard valleys that seem to have no end, it’s the held hand, and the ‘I’m here’.” – S L, Austin (Texas)
Separate beds
“Sleeping separately. Solid, uninterrupted sleep in separate rooms and with bedding of our own choosing has been the bedrock of our happy and resilient relationship for 15 plus years.” – L Patel, Wurundjeri Country, Australia
Perhaps counterintuitively, some of your recommendations advocated sleeping separately. Image: Lux Graves
Playfulness
“Exploring some things together. We went to a tantra workshop and it was hot.” – Anonymous
“If one of us is struggling, the other one always comes from a place of empathy, trying our best to see things from the other’s point of view. Also, we play video games, do face masks, enjoy mosh pits and shopping for homewares.” – J Scott-Howes, Leicester, England
“Even though we’re getting older (I’m nearly 65) we make sure to have a date night every few weeks and have sex. Planning it in advance means we can prepare and warm up, it keeps the intimacy going even though our sex drives have diminished, and it’s always lovely to get close in that way. We share a passion for nature and laugh a lot. It’s the laughter, the hug every morning and the shared joy in our life in the countryside that keep it beautiful. We are still in love.” – R Webb, Dromahair. Ireland
Honesty
“I think the secret of our relationship is honesty. Being able to tell the truth, no matter what. We should first learn to be ourselves and most importantly to love ourselves for what we are.” – L Thorbecke, La Rochelle, France
“Honesty and communication. We are open to discussing the difficult things, to admit that relationships can be difficult, that others are attractive, and to acknowledge that there are times when frustrations or doubts. Because we choose to work with them, to choose one another, we can do this. Make sure to have fun and be silly. Laughing together does wonders.” – J Gunnars (Sweden)
Many of you valued being playful in bed as well as out of bed. Image: Womanizer Toys
Kindness
“Probably most importantly, we make sure to have fun together, whether it’s mountain biking, doing jigsaws or even chasing each other round the house.” – Nico, Bristol, England
“Making an effort to be genuinely kind to each other is, in my view, the most valuable key to a relationship’s success, and the best way we have to show love.” – Jess, London
“Affection generates affection. Loving words make you feel more loving.” – BRJ Oxfordshire, England
Gratitude
“Say thank you for absolutely every single thing your partner does — making the bed, washing, tidying up, making a cuppa. Raise problems when they’re small and speak calmly (how you start is how you finish). Pay attention to the most important aspects of their lives. Be joyful and playful.” – W Nash Sydney, Australia
Acceptance
“Like many men, my husband is not particularly loving, affectionate or demonstrative. He is almost completely unable to express what he feels. Although it was disappointing, I gradually realized that he only expresses his love through what he does. His vacuuming, grocery shopping, etc. Devotion is evident in his acts of devotion. His commitment to our future is demonstrated by his yard and house maintenance. The gushy stuff will not happen here, but I treasure these constant and consistent acts of pure affection. It’s the best he can do (for 43 years) and I love him just as he is.” – S Thompson, Richmond
Many of you agree that it is important to be open to discussing the difficult stuff. Image: Cloud1902
Owning mistakes
“One of our successful relationship tools is admitting when you have acted in a manner that is not helpful to the relationship.” – S Wooster, Alton (England)
Polyamory
“Keep the relationship open for the other to explore with other people, sexually and emotionally.” – V Sentis Santiago, Chile
Surprises
“Try and surprise them once in a while by doing the unexpected for them.” – J Whittington Kent, England
Compromise
“We think of it as a balanced boat. He wants me to be happy, and I want him to feel happy. Sometimes, one person is struggling and we need to help the other. Our 33-year marriage and our 33-year journey together as parents have brought us great joy. Although it seems easy, it is not. Every day. The rewards are well worth the effort. I’m pretty sure I am the luckiest woman in the world.” – S Lawrence, Chelwood Gate, England
Forgiveness
“I think you have to let go of the notion that your relationship has to be perfect, that’s impossible. Forgive quickly, learn from your mistakes, and try to find laughter in the tough times. Do not compare your relationship to other peoples, yours is unique.” – Anonymous
Faith
“Faith has been the driver and motivator to our keeping our love alive. We agree to have a deep commitment to making it work between us, which can fuel your resolve when things get tough.” – L Lou, US
Main image: Flashpop
