Fancy discussing your demise over a cuppa? The rise of ‘death cafes’

We spoke to Death Cafe Cymru’s organisers to find out why death cafes have been so popular. Death Cafes are informal spaces where people can discuss mortality in a casual setting.

It might seem unusual to have a conversation about death with a cup or tea and a slice of carrot cake. But in fact, ‘death cafes’ have surged in popularity During the pandemic.

Originally set up in the UK in 2011, organisers say the objective is “to increase awareness of death, with a view to helping us make the most of our (finite) lives”.

Over the past decade, death cafe meetings took place in more than 10,000 locations across 70 countries. Although each session is different, they all share the same ethos: to provide a safe space for people to discuss their death in a supportive and safe environment. How do they work and what is the appeal?

‘There’s a need to talk about death and dying’

“It’s very much about people feeling comfortable to bring up anything that they want to about death,” says Brigid Haines, who set up Death Cafe Cymru, along with Sarah Hillcoat-Nalletamby. Both are academics who have retired.

Each session is ‘hosted’ by a facilitator, but they encourage people to talk freely. “At the start we ask people to speak and to present themselves, which is a bit of an icebreaker,” says Hillcoat-Nalletamby. From there, the conversation starts.

Research shows that people are becoming more comfortable with the subject of death. Image by Pexels

Haines says she’s always surprised by the routes the discussion takes. “It’s quite random, and rather lovely in that sense,” she says. Haines says that one session was about pets. Someone had just lost a pet and that sparked a serious and wide-ranging conversation. She says that a lot the discussion revolves around sharing personal stories or information.

Death Cafe Cymru has two rules: people must respect each other, listen to one another and keep all information confidential. Haines and Hillcoat-Nalletamby say the feedback they’ve had so far has been “100 per cent positive” and that people have told them they felt inspired.

All sorts of people attend death cafe meetings, and can remain largely anonymous, so even the organisers don’t know what participants do for work, for example, or other details of their lives. Yet people talk quite openly and there’s a lot of trust. “You’ve never met these people before and you may never meet them again, and yet you’re talking about the most intimate fears, worries, hopes and dreams,” Haines says.

You’ve never met these people before, and yet you’re talking about the most intimate fears, worries, hopes and dreams

Haines says that she experienced a turning point in her life 10 years ago when a cancer diagnosis forced her to reassess everything. Hillcoat-Nalletamby admits that she has thought about death since her childhood, when her grandfather passed away. Hillcoat-Nalletamby also wants to discuss the topic to remove the taboo.

In many cultures, including the UK’s, talking about death and mortality is sometimes frowned upon, although there are signs that this is changing. New YouGov research shows that almost three quarters of Britons who were questioned last year said they feel comfortable talking about their own deaths. “We can see there’s clearly a need and a willingness to talk about death and dying,” says Hillcoat-Nalletamby.

During the pandemic families have been asked to provide end of life careThis is something that is often provided by GPs and community services, as well as specialist palliative teams. This may explain the increased interest in death cafés. The pandemic has forced many people to face death in new ways. There are other reasons to talk about it.

Death cafes

It is possible to overcome some of our anxieties about dying by challenging the taboo. Image: StevePB

First, challenging the taboo may help alleviate some of our fears about dying. According to research, acknowledging our mortality can help our loved ones to cope with our passing. If they know what we want to happen with our bodies, it removes some practical stress, for example, and it’s also helpful if our loved ones know how we want to be remembered.

It may also help us appreciate our lives better. “If we live in a state of ignoring our own mortality then we don’t always appreciate the present moment, we’re always living in the future,” points out Haines. “But if we accept that we are mortal, then we focus more on living and today and what is good.

“Rather than being gloomy, accepting the reality of death makes you more alive,” she says.

 

Five positive steps to prepare for your death

1. Get your will in place

Ollie Haskins is the head of growth operations and operations at life insurance provider and wills provider. He says that writing a will can be the most important thing you do. Bequest. It lets people know exactly your needs. “Without it, [your loved ones] have to decide and it takes a lot of mental capacity when they need to focus on healing from grief.”

Image by Debby Hudson

Death cafes

2. Talk to your loved ones about the subject of death

Although we might not be comfortable talking about death, having a conversation can help ease the pain and make it more bearable for those who are facing it. “Having open conversations and removing that taboo is a really good place to start,” says Haskins. “Sometimes it can seem like a sobering topic, but it doesn’t have to be. Help people remember you for what you want to be remembered for.”

Image: Sven Mieke

3. Consider investing in life insurance

“[Having life insurance] massively helps the people you leave behind,” Haskins notes. Life insurance provides financial support for your loved one, which can alleviate financial stress. “It’s almost like a safety blanket,” he continues. It gives people time to grieve and means they don’t have to rush back to work or uproot their lives for financial reasons.

Image: Scott Graham

Death cafes

4. Consider the type of funeral you would like

“Some people want a service with eulogies and readings, some people want a party,” Haskins says. There are no rules or a particular way to do it. “Sometimes having a casket and walking down the aisle isn’t in keeping with someone’s personality,” he says. Maybe a party is more appropriate for you or your loved one.

Image: Mayron oliveira

Death cafes

5. Choose what you want to happen in your body

There are lots of options that many people don’t know about. You could, for example, be buried in a cemetery and become part of a forest or coral-reef. “There are loads of these new, much more environmentally friendly [things to do] that could create more positive experiences of the afterlife,” Haskins says. Do some research.

Julia Kadel
Main image: Pixdeluxe/Getty